just a place to gather my thoughts

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:14:06 GMT

isn't it odd how everything seems to change in the blink of an eye?
isn't it odd when you see what you've got with someone evaporate right in front of your eyes?
isn't it odd that no matter how much it will always hurt, you're much happier than you were before?

maybe one day these old pictures won't hurt so much.
then again, that might mean they won't make me appreciate so much.

is it still ok to cry?

i'm coming down with a cold. my dad told me to eat an orange.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:38:07 GMT

i think i'm starting to accept this. i'm starting to think that maybe he's right, and that he and i are better off as friends. as much as i hate it (and as much as i'm pretty sure i'll change my mind about this AGAIN), i guess it's just how things are going to have to be. i'm just so afraid i'm never going to find someone i feel as stongly about as i do about him. or someone who will like me like that again. i think i'm going to take this as an opportunity to really just put myself out there. brandon really helped me come out of my shell, and now i need to take advantage of that. i've decided to go to a party in a couple weeks. my first one ever. we'll see how that goes. i'm a little worried.
aside from the one, major, not so good part of my life at the moment...this past weekend was nothing short of absolutely wonderful. i hung out with katelyn, reconnected with kevin and justin (turns out my friends don't hate me after all), got to see kaylyn, iris, christian, and robin, got to march in with and play with the band. it was exactly what i needed.

i don't really feel like going to french. yuck.

i just don't know

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 11:16:24 GMT

this is probably about the worst feeling in the entire world. i pushed things too far. he says he doesn't deserve me. i feel like that's probably the most untrue thing i've ever heard in my life.
i don't feel like anyone will ever be able to make this feeling go away. i don't feel like anyone will ever be able to be to me what he was...what he still is. what i'll probably always feel about him.
my world has been turned completely upside down, and i have absolutely no idea what to do about it. i wish this was all just an awful dream.

uh-oh.

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:11:02 GMT

my suitemate is sick.
i hope it's not the swine flu.
or we're all doomed.
...the five of us, at least.
fox/eldridge...here we come!

four months, one day...

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 01:36:10 GMT

...till i'm the one on that train making my way back to you.
it couldn't come any sooner.
i miss you.

help?

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:14:51 GMT

i feel like i am going through a major identity crisis.

it's most definitely three...er...four in the morning.

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 08:09:07 GMT

WHY AM I AWAKE? apparently i really have nothing better to do with my life...i feel like i would rather be asleep...but i can't bring myself to go lay down.
so i am listening to VHS or beta instead. if you haven't heard them before, i highly suggest that you go check them out. they are an AWESOME band. which i keep forgetting.
and the fray's cover of kanye's "heartless" is nothing short of amazing. and it's accompanied by one of the few music videos i actually enjoy watching. go youtube it! now!

now that i've gotten my bit of promoting out of the way...
why is it that i feel like my small bits of salvation from this hell hole are coming from the people and things that i least expected them to be? i mean, aside from when i actually get to talk to brandon over skype or im (which is obviously a given)...i feel better about being here when i spend time in my room just hanging out, ordering a pizza, and watching toddlers in tiaras with kim. i feel better about being here when i talk to and make plans with a couple of people that i never really thought i would be hanging out with again. i feel better knowing i get to go home and see my parents and my sister and my dogs next weekend, and then again two weeks after that. i feel better when i'm in class. i feel better talking to my dad over the phone or through text message, even if it is about football, or my mom on the phone about pretty much nothing at all. i feel better knowing that i'm going to get to be home for a month in december and i'll get to see christian, kaylyn, iris, amanda, alecia, sarah, and diann again. i know i haven't known the latter four for very long, but i feel SO much gratitude toward them that i can't even begin to express it. i came into the life of one of their best friends and consequently their lives and they didn't even so much as question it (as far as i could tell, anyway). they made me feel so welcome in their group of friends. i fell right in and felt like i belonged. almost like i had been there all along. and after everything else that happened this summer...well, let's just say, i feel like i owe them so much. i don't know if any of you will ever read this, but thank you. you are all wonderful. and as for kaylyn, iris, my sister, and christian, i don't know what i would do without them. i can talk to them about anything. and they always know just how to make me smile. i'm so lucky to have these truly amazing people in my life, and i can honestly say that i don't know what i would do without them.

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Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:58:37 GMT

i am going to start looking into western's vocal music program to see if there is any way that i can audition for the program for next semester...i hope there is. (yeah. i just checked. there is. NOVEMBER 6TH. shiiiting bricksssssss.) i am really sick of taking gen eds. i just hope i'm good enough to get in. i mean...i'm not sure what i'm going to do with a vocal music degree (maybe i'll go talk to my RA. he's a vocal performance major)...even if i do end up with a second major (french, maybe?) but...right now, that's not what is important. hell...this really isn't even relevant. i'll probably end up changing my mind again. SOMEONE HELP MEEE. i am in major need of a life goal intervention. haha. i wish this was easier for me to figure out. :x
i think i'm going to go home next weekend. i don't like being here. i...for whatever reason...actually miss being home. a lot. i miss my sister, my parents, and my dogs. i miss kaylyn and iris. i'm pretty sure i've already covered this...but being here just doesn't feel right to me anymore. i don't know what it is...although i've got a sneaking suspicion that it has a lot to do with the fact that brandon, jake, mike, and katelyn aren't here anymore and mary may as well not be here anymore seeing as she goes to danny's house every weekend. the weekends here suck. there is nothing to do. i never thought i would be as grateful for a monday morning as i was for last monday morning and as i will be for this coming monday morning. i'm going to have to resort to doing homework on fridays and saturdays instead of just sundays. YIKES. hah.
i got my train ticket to go see brandon when he comes home yesterday. it made me REALLY excited, but far too anxious at the same time. i would have waited...but i wanted to get it before the price went up. :\ and now i know that i've got it for sure, and it's in a safe place. i can't wait till i actually get to use it, though. i've got kind of a milestone system set up to help pass the time. i've got major things going on at least once a month to help me have something a little closer in the future to look forward to. going home next weekend...hopefully, anyway, going home for homecoming, going home for thanksgiving, and christmas break.
i feel like i need to clean my room.

life and all of it's mishaps. it's a beautiful and bumpy ride.

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 17:15:22 GMT

brandon's in turkey. he's only been there for a week. he's gone until january, and usually that feels like it lightyears away. i know it's going to get easier. or at least i hope so. i miss him so, so much. anyone have $1000 i can have? :(
don't get me wrong. i'm SO happy for him. a little jealous that he's in such a cool place and that we can't be with each other to see it...or with each other at all, but that's not what is important. it does make me feel a little bit better to know that he is happy. but...does this make me a selfish person?
i keep thinking to myself that every day that goes by is a day closer to him coming home and a day closer to me being able to throw myself into his arms again. i already have a feeling that that will be one of the best days of my life, and i am simply too impatient to wait for it...even though i obviously have no choice in the matter. could someone hurry up and invent a time machine already?
i know, though, that in the end this is only going to make me, and the bond that he and i have, even stronger. after all it is said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. and i feel like i can already attest to this. even before he'd left i was making the most of every moment that i had with him, which now holds even more true for the time i actually get to talk to him. and it had best be believed that i will cherish every moment of the time i get to spend with him when i finally get to see him again. who knows when he's going to want to study abroad again. i know he already wants to...he wanted to since before he even knew he was accepted to turkey. but he's got a passion, and who am i to take that from him?
i need to find something with which to occupy all of my free time. i might start playing the sims or guitar hero again. i can waste hours of my life and not even realize it playing those games...other than that, homework, class, working out, practicing dance and my singing, working on my myspace music career (yes, i am serious), applying to schools in chicago, spending time with friends, even my family. all things that are going to help me through this. i have to stop sitting around waiting to be able to talk to him again. i need to live my life and let him live his. i will get to talk to him again soon, and if it's not everyday, it's not going to be the end of the world. it'll just make that next talk all the better.
i need to go shower and get something to eat. i'm starving. :(